10:30/07:52/06:50
10:30
/
07:52
/
06:50
where even to begin. what is recognition, truly? what does an invitation include? how does spleen cope with them? what is success? I know for certain what it is not.
if you sit next to me and say ‘oh, it’s just like before. everything you just told me with such excitement goes in the one ear and straight out the other, and it’s gone’
then i get to wonder, why am i even sitting here? and are you actually aware of what you’re telling me?
at the same time i’m fully aware that you sit next to me, listening with your right ear, and hear everything in the now. this is pure mechanics. of course it went straight through.
if you invite me out for a coffee, spleen says yes or no to that specific invitation. do i want a coffee with this person?
it includes a conversation. listening. asking questions. being present. giving you all my attention. is that for me just now?
sometimes it more of a job. perhaps not for you, but for me it takes energy, and especially when the invitation was never correct in the first place - or correct for me, which i naturally know in the second it comes. i know when the recognition was never there, and i know it then is even more of a job that doesn’t give me the energy the correct invitations naturally bring along, but instead it will deplete me.
the other day it was very clear before i even left my house when my spleen jumped off board. from the moment it turned out that the invitation had changed and there was no intend to buy me a coffee at all, like the original invitation said, i began pondering. it might be just forgotten in the meantime- the fact that this is what i was invited for, i knew this, understood that immediately, and spleen was of! the invitation had changed to something different than i signed up for. the invitation was never correct in the first place, how do i know?
first of all, using the word invitation on its own, in a message has nothing to do with an actual invitation, if you say i would like to invite you out its a saying, more than - perhaps - understanding of what that word actually means.
words and acts are two very different things. i love people who walk their talk, i hear what you say, but i see what you do. what you have done the past many years and the doing tells me way more than the words you use. if you pull the carpet under my feet to an already non-correct invitation, and aren’t even aware of it, i know that this is gonna cost me a lot of energy. then it is a job, that takes all my energy and leaves me completely depleted.
and so i shield myself beforehand. do meet up thus spleen warned me. I protect myself not to let you in, not to bring any of that (your) stuff with me back home. and i’m pretty sure my determination is protecting me here, big time too.
as a reward in return i get to hear that you don’t even care what i’m saying? don’t even bother to listen. But right ear, right?
mechanics is for real.
recognition is being seen. witnessed. deeply.
some layers of recognition is terrifying, like being seen to the core of your soul. it’s scary like hell. doesn’t happen that often though. but frightening and yet also truly beautiful in a strange way.
asking what i’m seeing, shows an interest from you. you being curious about me. without wanting anything in return.
asking advice is all about you. you want something from me.
having a random conversation for just sharing life is something else, but insanely tiring if the recognition has never been there in the first place, you might get something out of it. but the openness isn’t there, the openness for listening, taking it in. i’m not quite sure what i leave with, besides a returning conversation that went in my left ear and now will feed my mind for a very long time as it comes back in waves. which will make me ponder over and over again, thanks to my sun being the rationalizing return.
i know when words are hollow. your body is clearly telling me. before you even say a word
only thing left to say is that guarding ones eyes is a very helpful thing.
